Have you ever had intrusive thoughts?

I decided to grab some lunch at Chipotle the other day since that is a rare occasion when I’m out alone. It was a warm and sunny day, so after I ordered my bowl, I found a small rot iron table outside for two, under an umbrella. This particular location was located in a bustling shopping plaza. One I had never been to before. There were cars and people everywhere, perfect for people-watching. As I sat there, my mind started to drift about work and things I needed to do that day, and then suddenly, this box truck pulled up in front of where I was sitting, waiting in a line of traffic for the light to turn green. 

That’s when it happened. 

Something in me was triggered, and my mind went from mundane thoughts such as “maybe I need a new notebook” to “What if someone in that truck leans out the window and shoots me.” My body started to tense up and shake. I could suddenly feel sweat dripping down my back. My mind started racing about all of the things that could take place next.

If I got shot, everyone would run and hide to defend themselves. Would anyone call 911 to get me help? What if I died instantly and there was no help? Who would call my family? How long would it take them to figure out that I was gone forever? What about work? I just started this knew job and people are relying on me to do things and if I am not here, then it will all be delayed. Who would help John with the kids? Would he be able to handle it all and move on  without me? 

Then I thought, what If I lived and had to watch everyone around me run while I watched blood pool around my body as I waited for an unexpected time for someone to come and help me. 

What if no one helped me and I am left for dead?

If you are someone that does not have anxiety or intrusive thoughts, you might be thinking “holy shit what the fuck is wrong with this girl?” but if you have had the unfortunate experience of these things then you might be saying “Oh my God, I’m not alone.” 

In fact, I can promise you that you are not alone. 

I know for a fact that I am not alone. 

When you find people in your life that you can have these honest conversations with, you start to realize that you are not alone and also, you are NOT crazy! That is a fear for many of us. People don’t share these thoughts with others because they are disturbing. They are upsetting and they sometimes are so bad that we don’t want to tell anyone in fear that we will be locked up in the looney bin. When in reality, many people around you also have high anxiety and fearful, intrusive thoughts. 

When I talk about anxiety, I want to be clear that it is not the same kind of anxiety you get when going for a new job interview, heading to take a test or going on a date. Those levels of anxiety are experienced by most people. If you have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder such as agoraphobia, like myself, then you know there are levels of anxiety that physically take over and you feel out of control of your own body and feelings. It can be really hard to overcome these episodes.

The most important thing I have found for my own healing is finding someone to talk about this with. For me, I have a very lovely therapist and doctor who help me with my plan on how to overcome this disorder. Other ways that I have found helpful for coping with these types of feelings are:

• Journaling

• Meditation

• Paying close attention to your five senses

• Change of environment

• Deep breathing

• Listening to calming music

• Self-affirmations

• Exercise ( I like walks)

• Reading

If you can relate to my experience, the most important thing to do is to seek professional help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. I was very hesitant to speak up. I waited years to get help. I had so much fear, but I am so glad I powered through because now I am getting help and I feel better than ever. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to be embarrassed about. 

We are human. 

We have struggles, we make mistakes, and we learn and grow from them if we let ourselves. I am not a medical professional, but if you want someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. You are not alone!

*This article is not intended to be medical advice. I am not a medical professional, and I highly recommend professional care for any medical needs. However, I can be a friend!