Being a mom is already an extremely hard job. It is a title that will never go away. You cannot resign, take a leave of absence or switch jobs to something less demanding. Once you become a mother, you are locked in. It is the best job and the most difficult one too. Two things can be correct at the same time. You can be a mom and also still be you. It can be the hardest thing and also be the most rewarding.
It can be so easy to lose yourself in the identity of motherhood. The more people you need to take care of besides yourself, the more you forget who you are without your kids. This also makes it more important to not lose your sense of self. In fact, it is almost more of a reason that you need to not forget who you are.
When we make something our everything, and then lose it, we have nothing. One day our kids will move on, move out. They will find their own way in life. They will not always needs us as much as they do while growing up. Why wait until then to embrace your hobbies, friends and lifestyle?
Instead of using our kids as the excuse of why we aren’t doing something, why not use them as the reason for why we are doing it? Why not show them that we are more than just their mom but that we are people too. We have wants, needs and desires. Why not show them there is more than just being a parent and catering to their every need. Why not show them how to care for others and ourselves? Modeling behavior is one of the best ways for others to learn.
That way one day, when they go off on their own, whether they become parents themselves or not, they may just see more than the identity we give ourselves but also a person behind that job. Someone who wants to live a life they can love and cherish.
Let's show them how much more there is to life. How much adventure is out there and ready to be had. Let’s show them how to embrace everything we have. Because we all only get one chance at this thing called life.
Let’s not waste it.
Today started out as such a great day. I got to work on time, work went well, I came home and cooked dinner, relaxed with my son, talked with my daughter, a good in depth talk, and we all ate dinner as a family. Then I relaxed on the couch with my son before my online class. That is when it all came crashing down.
I forgot my daughters online appointment. BAM! $100 FEE, I forgot to drop off my other duaghter's cheerleading uniform, BAM! Mom fail. Why did I forget these things? Everything was going so well! Why couldn't I just have done all of the things I was suppose to do.
Having these failures weigh heavy on my mind. Then, I stop and think. What would my other mom friends tell me right now or rather, what would I tell another mom friend right now? I already know what I would say and what my friends would say. It is okay that I missed the appointment, Its okay I missed the unifrom drop off. No one got hurt with me forgetting so I need to relax. But here is this certain mom guilt in life that only other moms can understand. We really feel like we have to do it all and when we fail, it is the most dreadful feeling. We feel like we lost out title, game over. When really, everyone makes mistakes. Everyday, all the time. Why am I being so hard on myself right now.
I am proud to report that I actually got over this pretty quickly this time. I didn't fall off the ledge. I took some strategies into play and having to teach my online class certainly helped. For me, when my anxiety starts to spiral, focusing on my five senses is super helpful. I try to smell the bag of lavender I got from yoga that is on my desk. I try to hear my favorite song, pop a mint or chocolate in my mouth. Anything that can distract my mind from falling apart. Luckily, I had to jump in class and we were playing a game so I was almost immediately off the hook. I had to put a happy face on and be there for my students. It helped. Now I am sitting here writing to you about this fiasco in hopes that it gives you some sense of relatability or maybe a new strategy to try. Maybe it is your distraction from whatever is going on in your life.
Either way, I am glad you are here. I am glad we can move on togther. Tomorrow is a new day and for the love of God I will be checking my calendar all day so I don't miss anything else!
Thank God tomorrow is Friday!
Choose Happy!
Updated: May 2
In November 2023, I signed up for a local craft fair a couple of towns over for me. I went to sell my two books, some bookmarks and stickers. What I actually gave was sound advice to so many parents. My book "Fighting Darkness" was picked up so often, and prompted so many to ask questions about how they could help their child with depression. As I was giving advice to one lady, I mentioned that I am not a medical health professional and my advice was based stricly on experience. At that moment, another woman at the table gently touched my arm and said "You don't have to have a lisence or be in the medical field to give that great advice you just did. and I'm a nurse." My body filled with goosebumps. She is right. I don't need a medical background, I lived it. I know the pain, the depression, the anxiety. I know what support I wish I got when I was young and struggling. I know what I did to my self and how destructive I was to others. I have something to offer people who don't know how to help their child.
If you have a child at home who is not talking to you, I mean really talking to you, I mean deep conversations, details about life, not just the happy things but the sad things too; then you need to take these steps to build a better relationship with your child.
Depending on what your relationship is with your child, the first thing you need to find out is where you stand. This may hurt but remember, you have to start somewhere. If you have young children, this is a great time to start building these conversations and setting up the scene for a flourishing relationship between parent and child.
Everyday you should be asking your child how their day was. It doesn't have to be a sit down situation but it shouldn't be a two second one either. Don't accept "it was fine" or some other short answer. Ask questions, get details. You could ask "What was the best part of your day?","What was the worst part?". These prompts could help start the talking. If the conversation does not take flow and you get resistance, this may be the time to take a different approach.
If you have a strained relationship with your child, it is important to know that it is not too late. You can still take the same approach above but if you get brushed off or ignored, it is because this is new and they won't believe it right away. You need to be strong and trust the process. There are other ways of communication. The next attempt you can make is to have a more formal sit down with your child and present the idea of written communication with a notebook or journal. Explain that this is a way of communicating but in a non-formal way. It can be kept as private between one parent and child or both parents and child. Whatever works for your situation and family. In this journal, you can talk to each other about your days, things going on in life, work, school, friendships etc. As the caregiver, I encourage you to be just as honest as you expect your child to be. Share with them about what your day is like, what you are struggling with. Show your child how normal it is to have daily struggles and how you solve or plan to solve the issues. This will start teaching them strategies to learn for their own struggles. This will gain trust as your child will start to see you not only as a parent but a fellow human with real life problems and real life solutions. It is also easier, in many cases, to write about whats going on rather than talking about it. This can be a very freeing way of letting your child express themselves in a way without facial judgment or a harsh tone of voice.
It is important that you respect this journal and this way of communication. Unless there is a serious concern for your child's safety, this way of talking should remain the safe way to talk about things until it is discussed to change the way of communication for the future. Be prepared to read about things you had no idea about, maybe upsetting things. Don't let these things change your path. It is important to not act on impulse and instead take it all in. Meaning, after you read something undesirable, do not storm into your child's room asking them about it. It might be helpful to channel your inner child and remember what it was like to be your child's age. Then take into account the world we live in today and how different it is. Talking is the first step in the right direction to help your child in anyway.
Communication and understanding is a step in the right direction to building your relationship with your child. Remember, you are their parent, not their friend. You are there for guidance and modeling, not friendship and mingling.
Check out more helpful videos here!
.png)