Do you ever look at someone else's life and think “How come I don’t live like that?”, “Why is her house always so clean?”, “Why don’t I have that decorative eye?”
I think like that sometimes. Especially when I want to redecorate, which my husband will tell you is a lot. Its not even necessarily redecorating but more of moving the furniture around. I just cant seem to have the same layout for too long. It drives me crazy.
But when I see another moms home, and I mean in real life, I sometimes think, why don't I have that eye for really sleek, clean aesthetic. Why is my space like a kid came in and just threw shit on the wall? Why is there no theme or neutral color?
My spaces are colorful and bright. They are messy and lived in. They display so many unfinished projects and glitter that will never be removed.
Why is this mess, my life?
I think having ADHD is partly the reason. But I also think that part of it is because my brain is constantly in creative mode. I am always thinking of a new project, or a new hobby to start or add to. I am also in active mode.
Sometimes I feel like I thrive on chaos.
Maybe I am just used to it.
I am not sure what the right answer is but I will say that as much as it may look like a cluttered disaster to others, I know where everything is.
I also know that the next best idea is just waiting to be worked on!
Check out my book: "Choose Happy"
Updated: Dec 7, 2023
Writing about my past is not easy. I hesitate every time I go to hit that publish button. The worry about what people might say or think of me once they read it over comes me. As much as I don't want to care what people think, insecurity seeps in. I am at a crossroads where on one path I want to share my past in order to inspire others to get through the tough stuff, and on the other path, I am so desperately terrified to tell people the truth of my past because it is so grim. When I have shared things with people they get that look on their face that I cannot bare. The shock they receive when hearing my words is all encompassing dread.
Going through my older journals has stirred up some real trauma. Things I have suppressed have come to the surface and are effecting me all over again. It is scary. Things I never wanted to remember are now haunting my day. Suppressing is clearly not the answer. It's healing that I am looking for. There is only so long you can go on pretending right?
Today started out as such a great day. I got to work on time, work went well, I came home and cooked dinner, relaxed with my son, talked with my daughter, a good in depth talk, and we all ate dinner as a family. Then I relaxed on the couch with my son before my online class. That is when it all came crashing down.
I forgot my daughters online appointment. BAM! $100 FEE, I forgot to drop off my other duaghter's cheerleading uniform, BAM! Mom fail. Why did I forget these things? Everything was going so well! Why couldn't I just have done all of the things I was suppose to do.
Having these failures weigh heavy on my mind. Then, I stop and think. What would my other mom friends tell me right now or rather, what would I tell another mom friend right now? I already know what I would say and what my friends would say. It is okay that I missed the appointment, Its okay I missed the unifrom drop off. No one got hurt with me forgetting so I need to relax. But here is this certain mom guilt in life that only other moms can understand. We really feel like we have to do it all and when we fail, it is the most dreadful feeling. We feel like we lost out title, game over. When really, everyone makes mistakes. Everyday, all the time. Why am I being so hard on myself right now.
I am proud to report that I actually got over this pretty quickly this time. I didn't fall off the ledge. I took some strategies into play and having to teach my online class certainly helped. For me, when my anxiety starts to spiral, focusing on my five senses is super helpful. I try to smell the bag of lavender I got from yoga that is on my desk. I try to hear my favorite song, pop a mint or chocolate in my mouth. Anything that can distract my mind from falling apart. Luckily, I had to jump in class and we were playing a game so I was almost immediately off the hook. I had to put a happy face on and be there for my students. It helped. Now I am sitting here writing to you about this fiasco in hopes that it gives you some sense of relatability or maybe a new strategy to try. Maybe it is your distraction from whatever is going on in your life.
Either way, I am glad you are here. I am glad we can move on togther. Tomorrow is a new day and for the love of God I will be checking my calendar all day so I don't miss anything else!
Thank God tomorrow is Friday!
Choose Happy!
