Building Boundaries

I never understood how much I struggled with boundaries until I realized in therapy that I didn’t have any. I am a people pleaser. I honestly never considered this before. I don’t feel like a people pleaser. But when you decipher my behavior, the evidence is clear. It was so disheartening for me to accept. I also thought I was doing things for myself and doing things I wanted. But in reality, I am always the first to be flexible or tell people, “I don’t care what we do.” But that isn’t always the case. I am definitely someone who is more open to doing new and different things. But there are times when I do want to do something specific, but I won’t speak up for fear that the other person won’t want to do what I want so I just go with what they say. 

How sad is that? Not getting to do the things I want to do in life because I won’t speak up. That is no way to live. And worse, I know I am not alone. There are so many others like me out there who are living their lives based on other people's decisions or, even worse, what they think is expected of them based on societal norms. Again, this is not how we should be living. 

Knowing how to compromise is a great skill to have. However, it is equally important to know when to speak up and make choices based on what you want and not just do things because of expectations. It is when we let ourselves go that we become the most confused in life. We end up waking up one day asking ourselves, “What am I doing? Who am I? What do I even like to do?” 

I find that mothers, especially, lose themselves in motherhood because they are so focused on the family dynamics that they forget about themselves and what they have passion and desire for. That is why three years ago, I decided my Mother’s Day gift every May is for a night or weekend away sometime in May, by myself. I use this time to unwind, relax, engage in self-care, and ultimately, remind myself of who I am and what I like to do. I give myself that sense of freedom to go out and do things I want without getting approval from someone else or getting several other people ready to go. 

It is truly an eye-opening experience. It is something I encourage all other moms to embrace. The first time I did it, I was lost. I sat there for the first hour in my hotel room, not knowing what to do. It was so quiet, and I immediately missed my family. But then I reminded myself that this was also beneficial for them too. With me being away, it gives all of us the chance to miss one another and realize that we can still enjoy things in life without those people who we rely on. I am so lucky to have such an amazing and supportive husband who understands this concept and encourages me to continue this tradition for myself. 

Over the last three years, I have learned many things about myself. I call it “My Personal Growth Journey.” I decided I really needed to set out and figure out who I am and what I want in order to live a better life. I was so tired of living a life that made me so exhausted and drained. This is when I learned that I needed to set up boundaries. I needed to decide what I wanted and expected of others and what I found appropriate.

At this point, my goal is to continue learning my boundaries and how to set them. This includes teaching my children about boundaries. There can be boundaries in relationships, work life, school life and any interaction where other people are involved. It is important to sit with yourself and figure out what you want, need, and will accept in your daily life.

Consider how you want people to communicate with you. Recognize your expectations and see that they are reasonable and that can uphold your lifestyle. Some of us have too low expectations, and others may have too high expectations. Only we can determine what the happy medium is for ourselves. This self-talk practice on this topic will help you understand what is important to you and how you want to move forward. It also brings awareness to you that you need to converse with certain people in your life to convey these boundaries you have now discovered. You have to be your own advocate. Do not expect people to know what you want or that you perhaps changed how you want the dynamic to be with them now. Conversation with this person is the only way to begin navigating this new relationship you want with them. It may be uncomfortable, but wouldn’t you rather one talk be painful than the rest of your conversations with this person forever?