Starting this blog has probably been the best thing I have done this year. It has given me the release I have been looking for. Even though I know that no one is reading it now, someday, they will be. Someday people will be reading my true thoughts. My truth about life. Although it is scary in many ways, it is also the truth I have always wanted to put out there but have been too afraid to actually do it.
This blog is public, it is for the world to see my most inner thoughts. It is my truth to share. There will certainly be some that will not like what I have to say. And that is okay. It is okay to speak YOUR truth. No one can take that away from you. Even when people try to tell you something didn't happen the way you say, that is not their right.
You get to tell YOUR story.
Let the jury decide. I know that I will go down saying the truth even as grim as it is. I was recently told my a family member, that I deserved one of the beatings I got as a kid. Can you believe it?
If you only knew the whole story.
Maybe someday.
It's too soon right now. The wounds still fresh in my mind. Still processing all the things. No, it's not the right time.
The important thing I need to remember is that my story will be told. Someone will benefit from hearing it. I went through what I did for a reason.
Someone will learn from it.
Someone else will have the courage to speak up for themselves in those important moments.
Someone else will not not be taken advantage of because of hearing my story.
Someone else will have a different ending to their story because mine was the one they didn't want.
Someone else will have a better life because of me.
Someone will make better choices than I did.
Everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something hard. The level of hard varies from person to person. My level of hard, is one that is more than the people I tend to come across.
I grew up always being told "what happens in this house, stays in this house." I never thought too much about it. That's just the way it was. Turns out, I was being told this because what happened in my house was much different than what was happening in others.
When you grow up in your house, you just assume that what you are going through is normal. It was not until my late teens did I discover that what I thought was normal, was far from it. It's no wonder why I was a very depressed teen. Why I tried to take my own life, twice. Why I used self harm as a tool to deal with my emotions. It's no wonder why my first marriage was to a man who was physically and verbally abusive. This lifestyle was "normal".
Except, IT'S NOT!
If there was a way to go back and talk to my younger self and tell that little girl to speak up, I would. It is too late for that little girl. But I will be damn sure to use my voice everyday going forward. I will use my voice to get my needs met. To be in a safe place. To never let anyone overpower me again. To never let anyone take advantage of me.
